I know I shouldn't be posting this without Josh here but I think it is time. Before we even got to post that we were having a baby he went back to heaven. It is a strange and sad thing. We were very surprised that we were even pregnant. It was what I called our Happy Surprise. We were excited and scared and happy and nervous. It was something we had wanted but didn't even know we were getting. We found out on Tuesday that we had lost the baby. I wont go into details because it isn't pretty. I now find myself over whelmed with sadness, but at the same time I feel like I don't have time to be sad. I have to go to school I need to go to work. I know that Heavenly Father has reasons for everything and I understand that his will is greater then mine. I am going to be OK. Josh and I are going to be OK. The strange part that I mentioned before is how grief works. I wake up in the morning feeling optimistic or happy. Today is the day I wont be sad, and I wont be for an hour or two, but then it just hits me. Like a punch in the stomach, and I cry and cry. An hour later I am happy again. I am sure Josh is wondering if I will ever stop crying. I will, but then something else will make me cry. It's hard to not cry so much when I used to cry all the time anyways. If any of you know me you would understand. If not I will give a couple examples; When I was a teenager whenever my mom asked me if I was on my period I would cry, When I moved to Utah and had to say good bye to my Family and Kristen I cried all the way to Idaho, I cry every time I share my testimony, I want to cry whenever anyone ask me if "I'm going to eat all that", and I cry whenever my feelings get hurt. So, sadness is all around, but there is still hope. We are hopeful we will have another chance. We still have happy times. I love Josh and he is really good at making me laugh. I love playing volleyball and I was able to pound some really hard serves on Tuesday night. We are sad but we are happy too. We are grateful for all of the kind words people have said to us. We are grateful for the prayers and support. We are grateful for all of our blessings that we have. In prayers last night Josh thanked the Lord for his love. It is a great thing to know our Father in Heaven loves us, and to feel that love is wonderful. Ever since Sunday I have had a Hymn stuck in my head,"Because I have been given much." It keeps repeating over and over. "Because I have been given much I too must give, because of thy great bounty Lord each day I live..." The lord has a plan for all of us. At times we have no Idea what is going on but he does. We are given trials and hard times and bitter moments but these compare to our great Joys and times of laughter. I know He loves us, He gave his only begotten son for us. Each time I read the scriptures I feel his love even stronger. This rocky place will pass and we will be stronger because we endured. The Lord has blessed us and we are grateful. I know now that I must pass my blessings on to those who are in need.
Don't be sad for us we are sad enough already. Be happy and smile and remember all of the blessings the Lord gives us.
